Hi Caz, the situation you have described is a very difficult and dangerous one. All you can do is be a friend to women in this situation and let them know about organisations and resources that can help. Knowing that someone non judgemental is there for them is important.

I have been wondering if reporting the husband is a good diea or not. I think that is the one thing she can’t do. But if authorities are made aware of his behaviour, perhaps she would at least feel at peace, knowing he is being watched. I know that when it comes to predators, their behaviour changes, mostly in public, when they feel they are being watched. I wish she could feel empowered again to stand up to him, but she can’t. But if she knows that others are watching his behaviour, and that they can tell a fake from a true person a mile off, perhaps knowing he is being watched might make him reconsider.

This is such a painful reality, and it’s hard to watch someone go through it silently.

I don’t think there’s an easy answer, especially when power, reputation, or status are involved. But sometimes the first step isn’t “rescuing” — it’s creating a safe, non-judgmental space where they feel believed. Letting them know gently and consistently that you’re there, that you won’t dismiss their experience, and that support exists whenever they’re ready.

In situations like that, outside support can matter a lot — confidential helplines, women’s organisations, therapists, legal advisors. Sometimes people in immediate circles can’t (or won’t) see it clearly, so external networks become crucial.

Most importantly, not pushing them before they’re ready. Leaving can be the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. Quiet support, information, and reassurance that they’re not alone can sometimes be more powerful than trying to force action.

External netowrks will try to help, but can they really – if he stalks her every move? If she reaches out to anyone, he finds out and then does whatever he can to prevent them from helping her. The fact is, he has done many things wrong. So, I would wonder if it’s not better to go after him. Then once his wrong-doings are proven, she can leave safely, with others knowing it was not about her but, rather, about him. Then she can heal. She did nothing wrong – why do people need to tread on ice with her, but allow him to continue his wrong-doings?

I can understand why you’re thinking along those lines. When someone is clearly doing harm, it’s natural to want them to be held accountable and for the person suffering to feel protected. At the same time, situations like this can be very delicate, especially if she’s being closely monitored. Sometimes actions taken without her knowledge could unintentionally make things harder for her.

Often the most important thing is making sure she feels supported, believed, and knows she has people around her if and when she’s ready to take a step. It’s such a complex situation, and the intention to protect and empower her is clearly coming from a very caring place.

Yes, it is not a quick fix situation at all.

It’s true that when she knows others can see what’s happening, this lightens the load a little – being seen, being heard, brings some light to the darkness.
But ultimately all abusers need to face punishment. Never let them get away with it.

Although I have before seen men change their behaviour, based on the fact they are being watched.

It works at times; and oftentimes we find that he, too, was victim to some or other abuse and chose abuse as retaliation. So, there are times when the abuser needs help. But that’s only for those who choose to ‘repent’, for lack of a better term. A man who is known for doing ‘bad things’ and will continue to do bad things must be caught and put behind bars.

To keep everyone safe!

I really appreciate the way you’ve expressed this. I absolutely agree that ultimately the person causing harm needs to be held accountable — abuse should never be something someone is allowed to get away with.

At the same time, in situations like this the victim really needs to be handled with a lot of care, understanding, and compassion. It’s so important that she feels safe, believed, and reassured that none of this is her fault. The responsibility lies entirely with the person choosing to abuse their power.